and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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