i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
