Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Randomize
