Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Randomize