I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize