i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
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