When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
