You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
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