I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
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