Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
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