I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
