I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
