I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
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