My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
