The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
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