i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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