my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
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