ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Randomize
