Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Randomize
