nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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