I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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