i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
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