I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Randomize
