that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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