That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
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