yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
