So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
