oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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