I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
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