his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
jump out the window naked night went bad
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
