We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Randomize
