dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
