I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
