Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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