I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
