so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize