Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize