is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
