atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
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