Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize
