my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Randomize
