Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
