Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
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