he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
