if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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