omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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