I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
