i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
