He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
