i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Randomize
