Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
