Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
