I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
