man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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