Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
