2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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