If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
