Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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